1. Thugs
There is a huge misconception that black people don't tip. That's not true. What is true is that you can tell if a black person is a thug by whether or not they tip; of if they rob you. They make the list for that simple fact alone but they are not the worst of the worst. Far from it. They won't tip you but they won't hide behind excuses like "I don't have any cash" when they paid by credit card. They'll straight up write a 0 right through the tip section of the receipt just to clear up any confusion. It's a dick move but it's honest. The next are far worse. Kind of like how when you get a flat tire with no spare and you think that's the worst only to get a call from that chick at Cinnabon that tells you she has a bon in the oven with your cinnamon all over it.
2. Red Necks
This group irks me on a whole bunch of levels besides being lousy customers. However they play the pity card with everyone and by pity I mean that they want charity for minorities being treated like human beings. It's hypocritical to the point of nausea. I can understand thugs giving lousy tips because of the past 400 years but the only reason these people have for being cheap is an utter dislike for progress. The kind of progress that has made the act of tipping 20% for people that handle your food and get it to you in a timely fashion expected. Even though they aren't the worst they may very well take the thrown of the Inconsiderate Douchebag Kingdom with the Confederate flag coming down. It wouldn't be the first time they got angry over progress or human decency.
3. Frat Boys
I used to think these guys were just the worst drunks. They are about as responsible when it comes drinking as Donald Trump with a microphone. I'll be honest. Part of the reason why I liked bouncing, besides having easy access to sex, was that I got to beat the shit out of these elitist pricks when they got stupid. With delivering pizzas the shoe is on the other foot. It's not on in the sense that they can beat me up but more along the lines of having to be nice to them to pay rent. That's when they actually tip. Otherwise they'll pull that "I don't have cash" excuse while acting like they are doing you a favor. That's if they are straight.
Where it gets really interesting, and aggravating, is when they are into guys and want to have a gay porn pizza fantasy with you. I actually had this happen to me the other night. I had instructions to deliver a pizza to the back of a mansion and when I walked into the back there were two frat boys swimming in the pool together. That's a little odd but then again it's Charleston. It's hotter than a body builder's urine during the summer. Then they let loose the line, "Nothing to see here. Just two gay dudes swimming in the pool". That still didn't set off my gaydar since frat boys love to act homoerotic ever since Daniel Tosh landed a TV deal.
Then they asked if I wanted to get in the pool with them. DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!!!!!!
I may not be gay but I have lived in Charleston long enough to know what an invite to take a dip is. I was nice and said that I didn't have any swim trunks. They had a look like they wanted to say that I didn't need them but wanted to keep their straight face. They tipped me $9 and I left. This actually pissed me off more than if they would have stiffed me. Stiffed me on the tip; not my prostate. They were trying to buy my junk with a gratuity. That would have been fine if they were actually out in the open about being into dudes. I have been to plenty of gay clubs where I never had any problems because I can turn down someone interested in me while still respecting their dignity and not making them feel like trash.
On the other hand these assholes come from that train of thought that leads to politicians that fight same-sex equality adamantly yet have a Grindr account. These are the types that will engage in homosexuality yet will persecute it in state and federal legislatures while receiving kick-backs from Conservative Christian special interest groups. If red necks were hypocritical to the point of nausea these queef sharts do it to the point of sepsis.
4. Nurses
Say hello to the creme de la creme of human indecency. That's a brash statement but you haven't taken a $100 order to them only to get tipped $2. Don't get me wrong. If you are dying you absolutely would like to see a nurse if the the doctors aren't busy popping hydrocodone. I'm saying that is the only time you want to see them because that is the only time when they are actually a benefit to society. When it comes to anything else involving money they are about as considerate as Donald Trump is to anyone south of Texas. They call in orders that are needlessly complicated. They get pissed when those orders don't get their in 5 minutes since delivery drivers are supposed to be able to teleport or something. Then they don't tip you for the quality of service they receive while having an entitled attitude about it. They hide behind the fact that they're job is to save people in order to be shitty to them. It's the kind of rationalization that has made health care a for-profit industry when it's one of the last industries that should be. It's why people that need health care can't afford it and go into overwhelming debt because of it since there are assholes like this that take advantage of the fact that people eventually get sick. It's why so many people liked that scene from the Dark Knight when The Joker blew up the hospital. It's something we have all secretly wanted to do at one point or another. That or just punch the ER doctors in the face for sending you home with an untreated broken hip.
I'm sure there are some that I missed so if you work in the food delivery business then drop me a line. I'm Mr. Ginger. Have a nice day and don't take shit from nobody if they don't pay you properly.
